


at the end of the day, we're all idiots and/or infatuated with kanaya maryam

by orphan_account



Series: dialoglogs after victory but before earth c [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Asshole Vriska Serket, BAMF Kanaya Maryam, BAMF Rose Lalonde, Banter, Canon Compliant, Developing Friendships, Dialoglogs (Homestuck), F/F, Gay Rose Lalonde, Karkat Swearing, M/M, Rainbow Drinker Kanaya Maryam, Terezi Pyrope/Vriska Serket Moirallegiance, Troll Romance (Homestuck), if you need a break from homestuck 2? come here i will take care of you my child, proper appreciation of the one and only jane crocker, she is gay! she is very gay :)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-13
Updated: 2020-12-13
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:34:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28041744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: ROSE: You are a little bitch, Dave.--Post-ultimate victory, there's a little time to chat. It goes better than one might expect.
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas, John Egbert/Dave Strider (pale), Rose Lalonde/Kanaya Maryam, Roxy Lalonde/Dirk Strider (pale), Terezi Pyrope/Vriska Serket (Pale), but only if you squint - Relationship, most of these are only mentioned in the discussion though
Series: dialoglogs after victory but before earth c [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2055336
Comments: 5
Kudos: 38





	at the end of the day, we're all idiots and/or infatuated with kanaya maryam

KARKAT: DON'T YOU THINK YOU'RE BEING A LITTLE BIT OVERDRAMATIC?  
KARKAT: AND THIS IS COMING FROM ME.  
DAVE: are you fucking kidding me  
DAVE: me and egbert are more than just any old pair of bros  
DAVE: our bond is the bond all bros strive for  
DAVE: we are the platonic ideal of bromance dont you dare fucking tell me that im being overdramatic about our beautiful reunion  
ROSE: Those are some big words there, Dave. I'm proud of you.  
KARKAT: FINALLY, YOU RECOGNIZE PALE ROMANCE AS A FORM OF ROMANCE.   
DAVE: wait no  
DAVE: you think me and john are in some kind of diamonds situation  
JANE: "John and I."  
DAVE: not the point but thanks for the correction johns hot grandma  
JANE: :B  
ROSE: Why do you never thank _me_ for correcting your grammar?  
KARKAT: (DAVE)  
DAVE: when jane corrects me on my grammar i know shes doing it for the greater good  
ROSE: And how can you tell that my motivation is different?  
DAVE: i can tell from the twinkle in her eye  
DAVE: its different from the twinkle in your eye because it isnt gay and sadistic  
KARKAT: (DAVE)  
ROSE: Gay and sadistic?  
ROSE: Honestly, accurate.  
JANE: Hoo hoo!  
JANE: I don't know about the greater good. I just find it a tad bothersome.  
JANE: I suppose grammatical errors are just one of those things that really ruffles my feathers. :B  
KARKAT: (DAVE)  
DAVE: hey no sweat i get it  
DAVE: we all have weird pet peeves  
DAVE: like i fuckin hate it when people surprise me  
DAVE: almost took karkats head off once cause i had headphones on and i didnt hear his stomping  
DAVE: and when i say took his head off i mean that literally  
DAVE: i got out my sword and almost decapitated the poor fucker  
DAVE: there is definitely a doomed timeline where i fucking murdered him haha  
KARKAT: ...  
ROSE: ...  
JANE: ... Would you like a hug?  
DAVE: nah  
DAVE: fist bump would be cool though  
JANE: *Bunp.*  
DAVE: *bunp*  
JANE: ...  
DAVE: ...  
ROSE: ...  
KARKAT: (HEY DAVE)  
DAVE: (yes karkat)  
KARKAT: (WELL I WAS KIND OF TRYING TO TALK TO YOU THIS ENTIRE TIME BUT I GUESS I WHISPERED TOO QUIETLY OR SOME SHIT BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T REPLY.)  
DAVE: (oh no you werent being too quiet)  
KARKAT: (OH.)  
DAVE: (shit dude im sorry)  
DAVE: (i shouldnt have ignored you that was shitty of me)  
KARKAT: (IT'S FINE, I GET IT. MOST OF THE SHIT I SAY IS IRRELEVANT ANYWAYS.)  
DAVE: (no come on man)  
DAVE: (say what you were gonna say)  
KARKAT: (I DON'T REALLY WANT TO INTERRUPT THIS AWKWARD SILENCE WE'RE HAVING, THOUGH.)  
ROSE: You already interrupted the awkward silence, Karkat.  
KARKAT: OH.  
DAVE: i fucking love you dude  
KARKAT: SHUT THE FUCK UP.  
KARKAT: I JUST WANTED TO CONGRATULATE DAVE ON HIS MOIRALLEGIANCE TO EGBERT.  
DAVE: my statement of love has been revoked  
DAVE: in fact that was such an egregious violation of the code that your license has been revoked too  
DAVE: the love code  
DAVE: that sounded better in my head but when i say it out loud that sounds like a shitty romcom that you would love the shit out of  
DAVE: well guess what karkat  
DAVE: your license has been revoked  
DAVE: youll never be able to see my hypothetical computer-themed romcom  
DAVE: because youd love it  
DAVE: and thats not allowed  
DAVE: no love for you  
JANE: What about that mayor fellow?  
DAVE: the mayor is an exception obviously  
ROSE: Oh, thank God. If you withheld love from the mayor, I would have to permanently strike you from the Strilonde family tree.  
DAVE: as you should  
KARKAT: THIS IS FUCKING RIDICULOUS.  
KARKAT: JUST TELL ME WHAT INEXPLICABLE HUMAN NERVE I SPEW SHIT ON THIS TIME.  
JANE: You really have... quite the mouth, Karkat.  
DAVE: dont worry it grows on you  
JANE: Okay.  
DAVE: even though hes a little shithead gremlin  
KARKAT: FUCK YOU DAVE! I WANTED TO SHOW MY SUPPORT FOR A FRIEND GETTING IN A RELATIONSHIP!  
ROSE: Oh, Karkat. It isn't your fault, don't worry.  
ROSE: Dave is just shy.  
DAVE: no what  
KARKAT: OH, I SEE.  
DAVE: bro no cmon  
KARKAT: IT'S OKAY DAVE, I UNDERSTAND.  
DAVE: im not with john  
ROSE: Of course.  
DAVE: goddammit lalonde  
DAVE: you were my only chance to convince karkat that i aint about that egbert life  
ROSE: I suppose we're at a stalemate, then.  
JANE: There's only one way to settle this!  
JANE: We have to ask the man himself.  
JANE: He's only on the other side of the platform, after all.  
ROSE: Sound logic, Crocker.  
ROSE: Kanaya?  
KANAYA: Yes Rose  
ROSE: Will you bring John over here?  
KANAYA: Sure  
DAVE: why did you need kanaya to get john  
ROSE: Aren't you proud of my "rich girl ass" for finally taking advantage of a 2-for-1 deal?  
KARKAT: ALSO MAYBE BECAUSE KANAYA'S THE MOST COMPETENT PERSON HERE AND JOHN CAN'T BE TRUSTED TO DO SHIT?  
ROSE: That too.  
JANE: I don't know about MOST competent.  
DAVE: jane im gonna need to stop you right there  
DAVE: kanaya is a lesbian vampire alien with a chainsaw who is also kind of karkats mom  
JANE: That does seem tricky, hoo hoo.  
DAVE: honestly their relationship is pretty cute  
ROSE: It really is.  
KARKAT: I DON'T REALLY UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT BUT FUCK YOU.  
ROSE: I'd rather not.  
ROSE: Well, not you.  
DAVE: and kanayas in a relationship with that monster  
DAVE: she is the most badass person i have ever met and will stay that way until karkat murders me for breaking the coffee machine or something  
KARKAT: IT WOULD BE A JUST DEATH.  
DAVE: heroic  
KARKAT: JUST.  
DAVE: the nile isnt just a river in egypt  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT THIS TIME???  
KANAYA: Hello Everyone Sorry For Interrupting Whatever Interesting And Meaningful Debate Must Have Been Happening Here But I Have Brought John As Requested  
JOHN: please...... let go of my throat........  
KANAYA: Whoops  
JANE: Hello, Kanaya!  
JANE: I have just been waxed poetic to about your, ahem, "badassness."  
KANAYA: Oh  
KANAYA: Dont Listen To Them Theyre All Idiots  
ROSE: All of us?  
KANAYA: Idiots And/Or Infatuated With Me  
JOHN: haha, it's true!  
JOHN: anyway, what did you guys want me for?  
ROSE: To confirm that you are in fact Dave's moirail.  
JOHN: oh my god, the trollmances again?  
JOHN: i should've known.  
KARKAT: SHUT THE FUCK UP EGBERT. YOU KNOW NOTHING AND I WILL STRIKE YOU DOWN WHERE YOU FUCKING STAND.  
JANE: Oh dear.  
JOHN: haha, sure karkat.  
JOHN: why would you think dave and i are in a quadrant though?  
JOHN: we don't give off hatemance vibes, do we?  
JOHN: i know i rag on you a lot dave, but it's all in good fun!  
KARKAT: GARHRHHGHRHGHGHGRHGH.  
KANAYA: Be Careful With Him John  
KANAYA: Karkat Is A Gentle Soul  
JANE: Hoo hoo hoo hoo!  
JANE: I understand why Rose wanted you along for this now.  
KANAYA: Yes  
KANAYA: I Am Also Glad That You Let Me Participate In This Human Prank Against Dave  
KARKAT: IT'S FUCKING FANTASTIC, ISN'T IT?  
DAVE: wait you knew the whole time  
KARKAT: OBVIOUSLY  
KARKAT: EGBERT DOESN'T KNOW SHIT ABOUT QUADRANTS, AND YOU REFUSE TO TAKE PART IN THEM BECAUSE YOU'RE A LITTLE BITCH.  
DAVE: ok that insult seems like a bit of a stretch  
ROSE: As someone who has taken part in troll-style romance, what Karkat said is indeed true.  
ROSE: You are a little bitch, Dave.  
KARKAT: ALTHOUGH YOU AND JOHN WOULD BE CUTE TOGETHER.  
KANAYA: Agreed  
DAVE: what the fuck  
JOHN: this is the shipping grid all over again!  
KARKAT: YOU FUCKING WISH IT WAS THE SHIPPING GRID.  
JANE: Wait, can I ask a clarifying question?  
KARKAT: ABOUT ROMANCE?  
JANE: Yes.  
KARKAT: ALWAYS.  
JOHN: here we go again.  
JANE: What does a moirallegiance entail?  
DAVE: holy shit howd you get that on the first try  
DAVE: i still cant say kimsememsis  
DAVE: fuckin alien words  
KARKAT: SHUT IT, DAVE.  
KARKAT: A MOIRALLEGIANCE SHOULD BE PRETTY EASY FOR YOU TO GRASP, AS I'VE NOTICED MOST HUMAN FRIENDSHIPS ARE WEIRDLY PALE.  
KARKAT: NOW  
KARKAT: A COUPLE OF SWEEPS AGO, I WOULD'VE SAID THAT MOIRALLEGIANCE HAS ONE PACIFIER, AND ONE PERSON WHO'S BEING PACIFIED.  
KARKAT: BUT THAT'S... AN UNHEALTHY DYNAMIC, WHICH I UNDERSTAND NOW.  
KARKAT: ONE PERSON'S GETTING ALL OF THE EMOTIONAL SUPPORT, AND THE OTHER ONE GETS NOTHING BUT RESPONSIBILITY.  
DAVE: fuck yes personal growth  
KARKAT: QUIET.  
KARKAT: A GOOD, HEALTHY MOIRALLEGIANCE IS MUTUAL EMOTIONAL SUPPORT AND UNDERSTANDING, WITH A SIDE HELPING OF KEEPING YOUR MOIRAIL FROM DOING STUPID SHIT OR SELF-DESTRUCTION.  
KARKAT: AND  
KARKAT: AS MUCH AS I HATE TO GIVE ANY CREDIT TO THE SPIDER BITCH WHATSOEVER  
KARKAT: AND I REALLY HOPE SHE DOESN'T HEAR THIS  
KARKAT: TEREZI AND VRISKA ARE A REALLY GOOD EXAMPLE OF A HEALTHY MOIRALLEGIANCE.  
VRISKA: Thanks, Karkat!!!!!!!!  
KARKAT: FUCK.  
DAVE: its ok you did your best  
KANAYA: Yes Her Hearing You Was Kind Of Inevitable  
KANAYA: Not Only Because You Yell Every Time You Speak But Also Because You Said Out Loud That You Didnt Want Her To Hear What You Were About To Say  
KARKAT: YEAH, I JINXED MYSELF.  
JANE: But, back on topic... that's what pale romance is, yes?  
JANE: The diamonds, so to speak.  
KARKAT: THERE'S MORE TO IT, BUT ESSENTIALLY YES.  
JANE: Well.  
JANE: If you're looking for a pair who'd make good moirails, I say that Roxy and Dirk's the ticket!  
JANE: No offense to you boys, John and Dave.  
KARKAT: INTERESTING. MAYBE YOU WON'T BE AS USELESS AS THE REST OF THE HUMANS.  
JANE: Thanks?  
DAVE: tell me my kid bro isnt gonna do this troll bullshit  
ROSE: Please ignore him. He probably knows the most about the quadrants out of all of the humans at this point.  
DAVE: only because of proximity to karkat  
ROSE: But could you not argue that in order to be able to tolerate and, dare I say it, _enjoy_ Karkat's company, one must be, at some level, willing to learn about troll romance?  
KARKAT: HA!  
KARKAT: LALONDE, THAT'S WONDERFUL WHEN IT'S NOT DIRECTED TOWARDS ME.  
ROSE: I shall take that as the high compliment that it is.  
JOHN: oh, man.  
JOHN: do you think we'll all turn into experts on quadrants 'cause of karkat?  
JANE: We could've certainly used romantic expertise here in this session.  
JANE: There was a lot of drama!  
JANE: Or is.  
JANE: There's just been so much going on, so we haven't really addressed it.  
KARKAT: I CAN HELP.  
KARKAT: I MAY NOT BE GOOD AT A LOT, BUT I GIVE FANTASTIC FUCKING RELATIONSHIP ADVICE.  
JANE: ... You do.  
ROSE: He does.  
KANAYA: He Does  
DAVE: he does  
KARKAT: I FUCKING DO.  
JANE: Well... thank you for the offer, my friend.  
KARKAT: WE'RE FRIENDS?  
JANE: Of course!  
JANE: I consider everyone here my friend.  
DAVE: aww  
DAVE: john your grandmas so wholesome  
JANE: :B  
JOHN: teen nanna AND regular nanna are the best!  
JOHN: uh, sorry for saying regular nanna. she's just kinda what i'm used to!  
JANE: It's quite alright, John. I like her a lot too!  
KANAYA: I Must Echo Daves Sentiment From Earlier All Of You Are Being Quite Endearing  
KANAYA: Im A Little Surprised At How Well This Is Going Actually  
ROSE: It is an unusually good first impression, considering the trolls' track record.  
KANAYA: Also In Alternian Culture Physically Running Into Trolls You Dont Already Know Usually Ends In Bloodshed  
KANAYA: Lots And Lots Of Blood  
KANAYA: Shed  
KARKAT: PLEASE STOP LOOKING AT MY NECK LIKE THAT, KANAYA.  
KANAYA: Sorry  
KARKAT: (DAVE, COULD WE MAYBE TAKE A TIME-OUT? NOT THAT I DON'T LIKE YOUR HUMAN ECTO-RELATIVES, BUT.)  
ROSE: You still can't whisper, Karkat.  
KARKAT: (SHIT.)  
ROSE: But I share your sentiment.  
ROSE: Shall we all split up and reconvene later?  
JANE: It was wonderful meeting all of you!  
KANAYA: Yes  
JOHN: it was nice seeing everyone alive!  
KANAYA: Also Yes  
KARKAT: GOODBYE, I FUCKING DESPISE ALL OF YOUR IDIOT FACES EXCEPT THE CROCKER ONE SINCE SHE DISPLAYED AN APPROPRIATE AMOUNT OF INTEREST IN ROMANCE, DAVE AND I ARE GOING TO TALK TO THE MAYOR NOW.  
DAVE: k

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I hope it cheered you up, at least a little bit :)


End file.
